Happy 2012! Hehe ok I know 2011 ended a couple days back but here comes the thanksgiving/reflecting on 2011 post :)
SCHOOL
Going to JC was so much harder than I thought it was going to be. Having to adapt to a new environment, with a new class and new CCA and new way of school. Work was killer (and it only gets worse this year) but I'm glad that amidst all of it - all of my whining and ranting - God gave me SO MUCH. He was so real to me, esp in such a... godless environment (if you can call it that). Realised how sheltered I had been, with everyone around me always being guai. So keeping a good testimony, keeping my promise to Him - the challenge became so real. But thank You God for seeing me through :)
As much as 7B isn't an ideal class (trying to be as politically correct as I can lol), I'm really thankful I got to meet people like Syah Vera and Marz :) And get to hang out with Rach and Nicole and Sherly!
And of course, thank God for a great pdubz group!!! It was siao but we got through 1 year of PW together :) WOOTS no more pw forever~
STREET
Truly, I don't know how I would've survived every dreary day of JC without Street. I can't imagine being in another CCA and I'm honestly so thankful for such a fun and crazy and bonded batch :) Don't think I'm anywhere near where I want to be as a dancer, but Street helps me want to get better and grow together with the rest of them. And we are the best camwhores out there!!! Lovelovelove Street '12 :)
From our CCA showcase... LOL we have grown so much!!
One of our MANY camwhore sessions.... (It was hard to pick just one)
And for lovely friends like Grace and Ariel who I get to hang with every week :)
The streeters really make me laugh all the time and y'all are some of the best friends I've made in this school! I am so excited for production next year AW YEAH~
Debo Sab Simone
Even though we aren't in the same class anymore and RJ is just too big, I'm so glad that we still could have our sleepovers, still could celebrate birthdays together, and still could be involved in each other's lives :) I am so thankful that you guys love me even when I'm annoying/dumb. Ahhh biglove!
LOUD GenSo much more than just a youth ministry, LOUD Gen is really like my 2nd family. It's where I've found so many amazing friends and those I believe that I will keep for life :) And srsly this year has been so insanely siao for LOUD Gen, with PSA leaving and Joanne getting pregnant and so many things changing, but we continue to serve the same faithful God who brought us through 2011!
Hannah, Rachel - Idek what to say anymore because I think I said it all in my Christmas cards but thank you for putting up with my rubbish and keeping me grounded because both of you are obviously more sensible :) Wouldn't wanna have shopped for $250 worth of Christmas decor with anyone else~~~ Hahaha.
Joanne, Tiara - Thank you for being my accountability partners/mentor (why no more emails!!) and for all the shiok lepak sessions and sleepovers at the House of Chow :) Twister fries party soon woots~
Jew - As much as I wanna punch you all the time, you really are like the lil brother I never had. So thanks :)
Tiara - thanks for being someone that I can HCKS with about everything and marvel about God all day with and not get bored :) You were a bam siao camp commandant btw ;)
Idk how to organise the rest already so... here.
First non-family members to carry Jemma what up!! :)
MISSION TRIPSo so so thankful for the opportunity to get to go to Kiangan, Ifugao in Philippines this year! Really opened my eyes to see so much, to see how they live and how they continue serving God even if church means a 1 hour walk through the mountainous areas.
I will always remember the various cellgroup sessions we had in different houses, using like 3 different languages, and smth that Uncle Jimmy said (which I journaled down): "We have to deliver vegetables all the way to the city just to pay for education, but the outcome is very great because the children learn to read the Bible."
Getting to play with the kids like Rendel and Dapdap and Jasmine and OJ was ahhhhh too cute too cute! And getting to work with Ate Chat and Ate Elsie and Ate Shil and Marj was so great, even if it was scary at the start :) Plus the super epic Rice Feast team that I got to spend 10 days with! So glad for the friends made :)
FAMILYHehe really happy that Dajie got to come back twice this year and we got to spend so much sisterly and family time together! Thank God for helping Erjie and Jeanjiejie to graduate this year, effectively making me the only student left in the family! Haha.
So so so thankful for such an amazing family and even though we fight and scream and yell, we also make each other laugh SO HARD so often and I couldn't ask for a better fam to be blessed with :)
EXTENDED FAMILY
This year was rly not a good year for the relatives - with Ahma passing away, a divorce and 2 breakups, but I'm thankful that we stick by each other :)
Ahma I will never forget you and I will never stop missing you or loving you till I see you again in heaven, but thank you for being here for 17 years of my life and for looking down on me from heaven now :) It's weird typing this in english but I guess Ahma can understand all kinds of things up there with Jesus :)
It was the first time I'd ever been involved in a wake but it was a really good experience, of just spending 4 days with no one else but family and friends and doing nothing else but singing His praises (in hokkien) and remembering what an amazing woman and testimony Ahma was :) Giving my first ever eulogy (I guess it kinda was) was so nervewrecking and I rmb biting my lip so hard to stop myself from crying. But looking back on those 4 days (and the couple before she passed away), it was a really good time of healing and bringing our family closer together.
I have the funniest and cutest cousins ever and I lovelove every single dance party and family gathering where we play with the babies and play Just Dance and pictionary and Don't Forget The Lyrics :)
Yay ok that's all! If I didn't mention you by name, it's probably just because I dont have a photo with you from last year.
Honestly 2011 was a... kinda insane year, and 2012 promises to be 100x more insane, with A levels and all. But I know that God is way bigger, and way more kee siao than whatever 2012 can throw at me and I will not be afraid! Though I don't know what to expect, I know the God who holds my hand through it all and I know for sure that He will never let go :)
Just extracted my final 2 wisdom teeth! And I've actually been wanting to blog for a really long time but things have been busybusybusyyy. So since I'm officially unfit for work now (6 days MC haha not like it makes a diff), I just wanna take some time and write down my thoughts abt Camp LOL properly so I can rmb how amazing God is :)
It's probably gonna be long because srsly so many things were in the little details and I just wanna make sure I rmb all of it hehe.
Ok so because I got stuck doing games, the 2 weeks leading up to PCC was suuuuper busy doing up games proposal, overhauling alot of the games, settling logistics and all. Thank God for people like Tiara Jared and Bella who helped so much :) It started to get abit stressful because I was afraid that the games wouldnt be fun or they wouldnt work and we'd let down 90+ people, which is not cool.
On the morning of PCC, after 2 weeks of pure saikang, I was praying in the shower. Like praying that games would work out when we tried it and then it suddenly dawned on me. Why was I worrying about games so much? Would I really want people to leave Camp LOL at the end of it saying "Wah the games were so fun"? Would that be enough?
And then suddenly I started singing I Will Exalt in my head... The verse where is goes "Your presence is all I need, it's all I want and all I seek and without it, without it there's no meaning" and I felt it ring so true! Who cared if the games were fun or not... If God's presence wasn't going to be at camp then there would be no meaning in all that we'd been doing.
At PCC games needed alot of work but it all worked out fine in the end, thankful to have people like Joel and Tianyi and Joash to help us :) But what I really rmbed about PCC was the first day, at 5pm when Tiara and I went back to church aft showering in Ryan's house and we started talking in our room.
I was sharing with her what God placed upon my heart, about how I would scrap all the games if that's what it took to have an encounter with God. And what started off as just another conversation turned into both of us praying, and aft that I dont even have words to describe it. We were praying and singing and just going like keesiao in the room and I really believe God's presence was there. Jess joined us and then we continued just singing and praising and Idek what else we were doing but it's like I couldn't keep still and I couldn't stop smiling and crying and it was so whoa that I didnt even notice abt 2 hours fly by.
The next day was Saturday and Jess and I were set to lead PPP. Practice went really well and we were just getting so excited to have PPP for camp, even in prayer meeting it was like God was stirring up smth inside!
But for some reason, PPP was... difficult. It felt like we were pushing and pushing and trying and trying but we hit a wall. People didn't seem to really want to worship or pray (of course there were a couple but) and it felt draggy. It was rly tough being up there... and I kept asking God "WHAT IS GOING ON??" sigh Idk.
Jess ended it early and I felt so discouraged. I was so afraid that this was what camp was gonna be like and because I was rostered to lead worship on the first night, I told God "If Your presence isn't gonna be there and people don't wanna worship, then I dont wanna be up there either" Went to a room and cried for like 30 sec before getting myself back together and doing everything else.
There was such a heaviness and a kinda... dread in my heart. And it was so dumb because just a couple hours before we were like AW YEAH LETS GO and then when things didn't go as we wanted, I started questioning God. But nvm this is not how it ends so thank God He indeed doesn't disappoint and He always has 2nd chances for us even when we doubt Him a lil :)
Day before camp starts and I'm reading The Fear Of The Lord, which Jess just lent me. Just locked myself in the room and read and prayed and told God all I was feeling and how I was scared. But God gave me a peace in my heart and I started getting excited for camp again because He reminded me that His glory would come, not just for our sakes, not just so people would be less sian, but for His purpose. And as long as I was ready for God's presence and His power, I didnt have to worry what the rest of the ministry or friends may feel because He was gonna come :)
11pm before camp and I get a message from Rachel that Felly told her she wasn't coming for the camp. My heart hurt because I felt deep in my spirit that this camp would be a turning point for her and again my mind went "WHY GOD???" Sigh, I really wonder how God can love a people as untrusting as us. I cried even as I shared with my parents during family devo and then went to call her. After failing to convince her, I just fell on my knees in my room and cried and cried because I had no idea what God was trying to do.
Called Tiara at like 12plus (and this was the night before camp) and we just both cried and talked and I really thank God for her because she told me about her experience during synchro prayer and we prayed with each other on the phone, through alot of tears saying "God we don't know what's going on, but we know You are in control and You know everything we don't so help us to trust in Your will."
Ok hope you are still here. This is gonna be long, as I warned earlier. But finally reaching the part abt actual Camp LOL! Hehe.
Day 1!
Take the lorry with Joash Heidi Jared and Shaun to go set up, get lost along the way but eventually make it :) Station games start and I'm srsly just LOLing at my station watching people try to do Nyan Cat Bollywood hahaha!
Halfway through got a message from Felly saying that her grandma wanted to come for camp and stay and I was like YES!!! Hehe :)
Worship that first night.... honestly didn't go as I'd hoped. Sigh. Then Jon and I spent half the message planning response only to have Jose Philips not end with a response which we were used to. The message was honestly pretty cheem and I think at that time all of us were just like, whuttt..... Personally I started dreading like "omgsh what if the rest of camp is gonna be like that AHH". It definitely wasn't expected, but ahh srsly I can't say how beyond circumstances God is :)
Day 2!
Matthew led worship for the first time and I co-led with him.... He did well for his first time and honestly I was rly encouraged that he didn't care about how it sounded (even when I got bothered by it) and his eagerness kinda made me question why I was getting so caught up with the technicalities and letting it affect me :/
It was v interesting because Pastor Jose pushed back his initial 2nd message to the 3rd session and strangely enough aft his impromptu 2nd session, I shared with the girls during teamtime exactly what he ended up sharing at the 3rd session! It was so coincidental that I'm convinced it wasn't a coincidence at all, but completely God :)
Had tournament games which turned out pretty fun I think? :P Hehe I had alot of fun stationmastering anw! With my 48 unglam photos haha. Aft that we had lepak time, and Jess Tiara Bernadine and I spent it in our room worshipping and praying :) It was rly good because I think we started getting abit down on the circumstances (worship, messages all that) and we just needed to refocus on God and exalting Him.
Messages started getting better and better imo, and in the night Pastor Adrian came and gave an altar call. It's interesting to think that just a couple of years ago I was the one up there crying but by His grace now I get to be up there standing with others and praying with them :) I honestly dont even rmb what the altar call was, I only rmb "Father to the fatherless" and when I went up to pray for Felly, I was crying way more and way before she even shed a tear haha :P
Seeing so many people respond, and some of the unlikeliest people at that, just crying at the altar, even with the cheem messages that were beyond the intellectual levels of many. It was really just WHOA. Can't give credit to anyone but God :)
After that we were to have night games, and just as I was running out to go get prepared, I saw Linx's friend Sinead sitting outside alone. So I asked her if she needed anything and she said no. Then I asked her if she needed to talk and she said yes, so I sat down with her and asked her what was wrong. Anw we ended up having quite a talk about her faith and how she was struggling, and I dont know how much my words or prayer helped but I'm just glad I got to sit down with her and let her have someone to talk to.
(By the way, I am really thankful to the words Joel said to me 2 years back in some card or another, where he said to always focus on the people and not the task. It's advice that has lasted me well!)
So aft that rushed off to be a hyena for night games, facepaint and all hahaha no thanks to cute lil Jacelyn Sim!!! :P Felt rly bad because mine was a dud station but like 6 grps came to mine first and I sent them to Joel and he/Joash/Joshua tekaned the group like SIAO only for them to come back like 1 hr later and realise I didnt have anything to give them. Got scolded by so many groups! :(
But srsly was just dying laughing when I saw jared hide in the drain OMGSH HAHAHA dedication and commitment man!!!
Day 3!
I honestly don't rmb which message was which but I remember them getting progressively better and surprisingly rly learning alot at the Q&A sessions! Particularly liked the one where he talked abt worship leaders to be careful not to lead the ministry into sacrilege and like Tianyi said, I think some of the things he said were quite harsh and not comfortable to listen to but v necessary for the youths to hear. So even aft all our skepticism abt Jose Philips at first, I'm honestly rly glad he came to speak :)
Again, the same thing happened when the verse I shared at QT with the girls was the exact same passage that he shared at the sermon right after which was rly WHOA. Hahaha God is too cool.
3rd day was meant to be boat-building challenge and massive waterbomb fight! But after the boat-building, we got news that it was lightning alert. Which was maaaaajor bummer because they'd finished tying up 900+ water bombs only to be told they couldnt go outside and play. So we impromptu-ed, thanks to Tianyi, and had skits instead! Which turned out RLY FUNNY hahahaha. After waiting out the lightning alert, it started raining really heavily so that put a confirmed end to our lack of waterbomb game :(
But how it unfolded was so interesting. Like Jess told me, I'm actl glad we didnt get to play it in the aftn because then everyone wouldve been rly tired. They got rest and lepak time instead, which helped them focus on the message and response times better in the night service, and we got NIGHT WATERBOMB FIGHT for the first time instead! Which was shiokkkkkkkkk :)
Last day worship was spent co-leading with Ryan, and even with his mega-high set, it was still whoa. Standing there singing "More Beautiful" brought me back to the first time we sang it at Ignite, where I just re-realised how beautiful the name of Jesus is and it was like I was standing in awe all over again.
And as we moved into How He Loves, it was like BAM the first line hit me in the face. "He is jealous for me". I dont have words to describe how I felt but it was just... how can you even imagine a God so holy, so amazing, being jealous for a filthy sinner like me? I was so overwhelmed by the thought.
I was thinking, even as we sang the 5 words over and over "Oh how He loves us" that yknow, you dont really need complicated cheem songs to sing out to God, sometimes all you need is a simple realisation that hey, God loves you. You dont have to be intellectual or elite to understand this, and that's what really hit me. Looking out at the congregation which was 1/3 friends/pre-believers from all different backgrounds, He just reminded me that He loves us no matter where we come from, and doesn't need us to be a specific type of person before He loves us.
At some parts I couldn't even sing because I couldn't vocalise anything, I just stood there for awhile and in my head went "Wow God, how can it be". Dont think that makes me a great co-WL hehe but rly just so thankful for His presence there :)
After that we had an altar call for salvations and rededications and whooshhhh Idek if words can describe it. It was a flurry of everything, but I believe it was more than emotions. I dont even remember much of it but really, God is so amazing I dont even have words for it anymore. Even when a majority of our ministry didn't get the messages, God still managed to stir and work in the lives of these youths and touch their hearts.
After the final sermon on Psalm 27, we had another response and honestly I don't remember what it was about anymore, I just rmb feeling so privileged to see God moving and getting to pray for people (even if they didnt rmb it heh). And it was a stirring like I can't even explain when Jess came and prayed for me to really just enjoy God's presence. Srsly all I could think was "KEE SIAO!!" because I couldnt stop smiling I couldnt stop laughing and I must've really looked kee siao and said some kee siao stuff when praying for people.
I actually used the words kee siao when praying for Lifan and Tzejun LOL and it was kinda mad because I rmb the things I prayed for them and for Ben and I am completely certain that if it was purely me, I would definitely NOT have the guts to say what I said.
And at the end when we were all just worshipping together and praying for each other and praying as a ministry it was like (and not to be irreverent or anything but) GOD YOU ARE SIAO!!!!!! Because my vocab had just failed me and all I can remember is the 2 words Tiara got before camp, which is KEE SIAO and the 2 words that I got, which is HECK CARE. And just thinking about the camp, thinking about how it unfolded, I couldn't control my laughter cos I felt God said to me "Remember when you asked for the kee siao? Here it is :)" and it was SO WAY BEYOND my expectations.
Ahhhh! Just thinking abt it and talking to Tiara about it a couple days ago really just made me go a little high! It's like, from the start the camp seemed to be doomed. It got off to such a bad start, so many things seemed to be going wrong, we didn't have a pastor, we weren't supposed to have Joanne, we weren't supposed to have Uncle Chor Phang, the speaker was cheem/boring-ish, weather didn't hold out, people were so different from what we'd ever experienced. But amidst all these circumstances, somehow, God worked it.
And honestly all I can say is "Wow, God." He didn't need to, He didn't need to prove Himself or outdo what He'd done before - He's the king of the universe! He has so many other more important things on His mind than Camp LOL right??? But He still did it. He came, moved powerfully, brought people of all different backgrounds to see His glory, and exceeded all my expectations.
I just really hope that we'll be able to keep these new friends that we've gained, stand by each other as a ministry no matter what comes, and truly LOL - Love Out Loud!!!
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL AND REMEMBER TO BRING YOURSELVES TOO~
(Realised I repeated myself like siao in this very ineloquent post but I DONT CARE hehehehe)
Need some time to refocus my thoughts while studying history cos right now I feel like I'm not going anywhere and I CANT CONCENTRATE cos I dont know what to do :(
If there was 1 day where things went beyond my expectations, I think yesterday was it. Honestly the whole day went so well that I am certain it was not by my efforts AT ALL.
Pre-prayer meeting was amazing. It's like I really felt God break my heart for the things that breaks His and I caught a glimpse of how He feels. The feeling is indescribable. It's like a grief that makes you just cry out for mercy, mercy for all the people who are far away and hardened.
I was really just on my knees and the emotion was so.... genuine. Sometimes yknow, you do things because other people are doing it or other people are looking. But yst with just Jess Jon Ryan and Kathleen, it was like, I didn't have to care? And I honestly didn't intend to cry, it was just so overwhelming. And God's presence in that place... Right beside me as I knelt down. I can't even begin to describe it.
Led worship and for the first time I think I really had no fear. Partly because it was an easy-ish set I guess? But mainly in the confidence that God was gonna be there. And that God was solely the one who inspired the set and so I didn't worry at all. It was kinda really cool.
From the start to the end I genuinely believe He was there. Seriously when we were singing Turn your eyes upon Jesus and Awakening, it was really like I didn't want to move from that place. I didn't want to stop singing those songs. I just wanted to stay there forever in His presence and just experience Him all over again.
The set went well musically I guess, but that wasn't what I am happy about. It was when I heard Felly and YQ's voices from behind their guitars, just freely worshipping. Whoaaaa. We ended up not even doing the last song because we didn't need to.
And sometimes I'm tempted to take the credit for a set well done but NO. Because I know if God wasn't there, if He didn't work, it wouldve been a flop. God is the only reason we experienced what we did because He met us there. And I believe He ministered. Even as I was singing those songs, I felt Him ministering to my heart.
The sharing by Jess was good :) And it was Ryan and my first time taking over response time but it went well because we just flowed :)
CG started off awkward but proceeded with such a heartfelt sharing. Just unloading to each other all our stresses and burdens and troubles was so nice. And it ended up a cryfest because I started crying when Felly and Gabriel were crying and we were such a big mess but I felt like we finally could connect with each other yknow? Beyond the suaning and jokes and lessons, it's like we could tell each other how we felt and keep each other in prayer :) So so so thankful for that.
Went for MAF at Hwachong later with Hannah Rachel Jaslyn and Kathleen and that was fun :) We were Hwachongians for a night, singing their songs cheering their cheers and dancing their dances hahaha.
Ok I shall end here I just wanted to note it down so I can look back on this wonderful day. And honestly I do believe it's time for an awakening. It may not happen in 1 week, or 2, but it's gonna happen. It's time to be awoken from our slumber and remember what's important!
"Rise, let us go! ... The hour is near."
In our hearts Lord
In this nation
Awakening
Holy Spirit
We desire
Awakening
For You and You alone
Awake my soul
Awake my soul and sing
For the world You love
Your will be done
Let Your will be done in me
In Your presence
In Your power
Awakening
For this moment
For this hour
Awakening
Like the rising sun that shines
From the darkness comes a light
I hear Your voice say
This is my awakening
Like the rising sun that shines
Awake my soul
Awake my soul to sing
From the darkness comes a light
Awake my soul
Awake my soul to sing
Only You can raise a life
Awake my soul
Awake my soul to sing
There is something about this song that I cannot describe.
The first time I listened through the God Is Able album, I remember taking notice of this song, esp because it was the last track. I remember telling Jess abt how I liked it and she said that she didnt really like that song as much as the others. And me, being the easily influenced person that I am, thought: Oh ya actually the other songs are nicer.
But seriously something was different about this song.
And then today, some people in school organized a prayer/praise/revival thing and it was so aptly called - The Awakening.
It started off awkward, not really knowing anyone there but Brandon and Rach. And it was awkward for awhile. But when we started worshipping and praising in that mini LT, really. Something was different.
It's not something I can describe, and it definitely wasnt atmosphere because the singing/guitar was awkward at times. But there was really a tangible presence of God in that place. And something in my heart started to break. Like literally I could feel it start to ache.
I started aching for the lost, for the broken, for how I'd been forsaking God's call to be salt and light. I started hurting thinking about the Cross, the pain He bore, and just the immensity of His love.
The only way I can describe it is really: My heart is overwhelmed.
Something in me started stirring, like continually stirring, producing more and more of whatever God was pouring in and crying out for even more. For even greater. For so much more.
Do you know that when we lift our hands in worship, it's in the exact position that someone would be in if they were sitting down and asking you to pull them up? It came to me while I was singing and really just enjoying God's presence. This mental image of me raising my hands, and God's own two hands grabbing a hold of them and pulling me up.
He really is my strength like no other.
When God turns your world upside down, there's no way that you can continue going through it the same way you did before. The way we live has got to change the moment the way we see changes.
Ahhh I cant even formulate a proper post because all I can remember is that stirring in my heart. While I was praying with Rach something in me was just burning and it's like I just went on and on without having to think or phrase or be whatever I was supposed to be. While I was worshipping I didnt have to care about how other people would look at me (I was standing at the back anw) and this dude next to me started dancing and I just wanted to dance!
Ok I am totally not coherent anymore but all I know is that there's been an awakening, and there will continue to be one.
God, continue stirring, continue breaking, continue pouring forth and really AWAKEN this school to see the glory of Your name! Logically I dont know how any of these plans will work but I know that You are beyond logic and beyond reason and beyond expectations.
I am not the perfect testimony and I fail You all the time, every single day, but I believe You're gonna work despite our inadequacies because the day of the Lord is really approaching and there's just got to be so much more than this!
